Porkins Destroys the Death Star

After years of cruel suggestions that Jekk Porkins ‘Hindenburged’ into the Death Star while either 1) Eating Burger and Fries 2) Trying to open Cheetos or 3) Farting so badly he destroyed his own X-Wing from the inside have been swiftly dismissed with the discovery of this incredible piece of unseen footage. Pieced together from in-flight footage, battle records and accounts from previously silenced Red Wing pilots a picture of the true heroism and glory of Porkins at the legendary battle of Yavin. Having survived the battle, Porkin’s subsequently died of a massive heart attack at the Victory Party and it appears that Rebel Leaders decided Luke Skywalker should be made the public face of the success at Yavin. How different it all could’ve been…

Our own part in the public defamation of a true hero is something we shall always deeply regret. We hope that Porkin’s family and loved ones accept our sincere apologies (including Jabba).

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The complete Star Wars Holiday Special (with authentic 1978 ads)

Few things have gone down in notoriety like the Star Wars Holiday Special. Almost unanimously revered as the worst thing ever brought out of the Star Wars canon it was, I think, a sincere attempt to bring Star Wars to Christmas.

Dodging any religious incorrectness, Wookees celebrate Life Day on Kashyyk. watch Harrison Ford struggle manfully to maintain cheer, hope that Uncle Itchy doesn’t beat little cousin Lumpy in front of the cameras. In between the ludicrous schmaltz there is some decent action sequences and if you like the idea of seeing extra Han Solo / Chewbacca footage, Carrie Fisher singing and some season friendly chop socky against Imperial humbuggers then take a look. There’s even a bit of Jefferson Starship. Through the fact that it’s essentially a day in the life of a Wookee family (including a geriatric Wookee getting his jollies watching dancing girls in a hair dryer). Brilliant!

We here at Beyond the Bunker wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!