Porkins Destroys the Death Star

After years of cruel suggestions that Jekk Porkins ‘Hindenburged’ into the Death Star while either 1) Eating Burger and Fries 2) Trying to open Cheetos or 3) Farting so badly he destroyed his own X-Wing from the inside have been swiftly dismissed with the discovery of this incredible piece of unseen footage. Pieced together from in-flight footage, battle records and accounts from previously silenced Red Wing pilots a picture of the true heroism and glory of Porkins at the legendary battle of Yavin. Having survived the battle, Porkin’s subsequently died of a massive heart attack at the Victory Party and it appears that Rebel Leaders decided Luke Skywalker should be made the public face of the success at Yavin. How different it all could’ve been…

Our own part in the public defamation of a true hero is something we shall always deeply regret. We hope that Porkin’s family and loved ones accept our sincere apologies (including Jabba).

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Porkins: Can’t Hold It!!

Never in the field of conflict has the passing of one man been so subject to conspiracy theory and conjecture. As the rebel alliance battled to destroy the Empire’s deathstar above the rebel base on Yavin no one could have expected the great loss they were about to suffer. One of the greatest pilots in the history of the Alliance was shockingly lost in the opening moments of the conflict. Here, sadly, are his final moments…

…Porkins. We salute you. And you are really not ‘all right.’