Moon’s Alternative Olympics: Crazy Mishaps!!

7 years ago, in a moment of significant success that united the nation in a day of celebration, we beat the French to something they really wanted and secured the Olympics. When the streamers had fallen to the ground we realised we’d just signed up to the biggest economic, transportational, security and cultural nightmare in the world. Any city in the world would succeed in that time surely – however at the time we were still trying to finish Wembley – and that was half a decade late – the equivalent of deciding to redevelop your entire house having failed to finish the bathroom. However, undeterred by bombs, riots and the biggest recession to hit since the 30s, the proud… um… Polish and Australian contractors of London got the work done. To incredible results as seen in the mind blowing opening ceremony that even the most curmudgeonly Daily Mail reader had to concede was a success. Let it all begin – Jeremy Hunt – take it away….

Unabated, we rolled on – only to allow a GCSE student who picked history to be in charge of the Flag machine for the North Korea football match, showing them their greatest enemies flag instead of their own!! Nothing makes you want to watch an Olympics more than the impending potential of Nuclear War brought on by a work experience kid volunteering to press the flag button.

Then of course there was the opening ceremony in which a random volunteer opted to join the main procession and the Queen jumped out of a Helicopter (which put her in a really foul mood). 1200 Pigeons were incinerated in the all-consuming firework display launched at the end of the ceremony – though I can confirm you could see the fireworks on the underbelly of the imposing cloud cover that had descended on London after a divine week of sunshine.

One more for luck!!

Then of course there was Boris Johnson… trying to keep the party going. Trying to get himself down a zip line in Victoria park in front of a crowd of onlookers. His arrival at the end of the zip line delayed as he slid to an awkward halt. Like a baby polar bear covered in Union Jacks and an ill-fitting suit hanging from a washing line. There really is nothing more English…

In spite all of this and the absence of any discernable business for any major attractions in London because 1. They put on the biggest show in the world on 12 miles down the road and 2. They very clearly told everybody to stay at home in case the trains fell apart, it’s all going really well. This has abstractly caused many people to spend more time with their families and opened up loads of seat space on any London commute and we’re scoring some serious medals (read: beating the French). All things considered – so far it’s been a great Olympics!!

Every Death in New Doctor Who (Series 1-4)

A friend of mine is currently fronting a kid’s show on Cbeebies called Andy’s Wild Adventures where he and a cat visit far off regions of the world and interface from stolen footage from Planet Earth and Blue Planet. It’s really very good – particularly if you have a child you want to entertain and you should take a look. Much like Andy’s Wild Adventures, Doctor Who is a kid’s programme. Unlike Andy’s Wild Adventures Simon Pegg is obliterated, Big Brother Contestants are disintegrated and exposed to deep space, cats fall great distances, the secretary for Defence gets skinned, Werewolves are attacked by Ninjas, innocent people are possessed and / or absorbed and subsequently killed, Shakespearean actors heamorrage, scarecrows get gunned down, 60 Million people are slaughtered, Kylie Minogue commits suicide, a fish man tragically drowns in mud, surburbanites are burned alive, Davros explodes, Victorian gravediggers are electrocuted and a bus flies.

Nobody is killed by the flying bus. But I do remember there were people shooting at it. And I wonder sometimes while people watch Doctor Who….

Star Wars: Darth Vader Bagpipe Unicycle (no, really)

Ladies and gentlemen – I give you Brian Kidd, also otherwise known as the Unipiper of Portland. Here he’s doing a medley of Star Wars tunes while playing the part. There are very few things as automatically cheerful as watching a Lord of the Sith play bagpipes on a Unicycle. We here at BT always suspected as much – now here’s the proof.

The only thing better than what we see here is if he rides into the back of that parked car.

Carell is Lonely Again: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World Official Trailer

Carell goes small film with Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. If it turns out to be the last episode of the Office: An American Workplace I’ll be unhappy. That is all. Just wanted to show it to you.

This does not happen in the film.