Porkins Destroys the Death Star

After years of cruel suggestions that Jekk Porkins ‘Hindenburged’ into the Death Star while either 1) Eating Burger and Fries 2) Trying to open Cheetos or 3) Farting so badly he destroyed his own X-Wing from the inside have been swiftly dismissed with the discovery of this incredible piece of unseen footage. Pieced together from in-flight footage, battle records and accounts from previously silenced Red Wing pilots a picture of the true heroism and glory of Porkins at the legendary battle of Yavin. Having survived the battle, Porkin’s subsequently died of a massive heart attack at the Victory Party and it appears that Rebel Leaders decided Luke Skywalker should be made the public face of the success at Yavin. How different it all could’ve been…

Our own part in the public defamation of a true hero is something we shall always deeply regret. We hope that Porkin’s family and loved ones accept our sincere apologies (including Jabba).

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Porkins: Can’t Hold It!!

Never in the field of conflict has the passing of one man been so subject to conspiracy theory and conjecture. As the rebel alliance battled to destroy the Empire’s deathstar above the rebel base on Yavin no one could have expected the great loss they were about to suffer. One of the greatest pilots in the history of the Alliance was shockingly lost in the opening moments of the conflict. Here, sadly, are his final moments…

…Porkins. We salute you. And you are really not ‘all right.’

Lost Jedi: The Kashyyk Contingent

Sent to Kashyyk to handle ground assaults, evacuation and supply lines on the far side of the planet, this small contingent of Jedi find themselves caught in a struggle to secure the safe passage of fleeing Wookies, refusal from Wookie councils to move off planet, the rapidly advancing separatist forces, the Clone army who have now turned on them and an attempt to protect and evacuate the Jedi Order’s most valued Master in Yoda.

Jedi Commander Ja Himan


Ja Himan (Himanshu Ojha) is a showman. A lunatic with a lightsabre he favours displays of viruosity and skill at times above the final result. He is effectively a swordsman of old. Preferring the parry and the thrust of one on one conflict, he will take on a tank as if a single opponent. On the whole he wins and his displays demoralise most opposition but his need to include danger can at times imperil his associates, something the extraction team that remains after Order 66 express regularly. However, he is almost always a great leader and a great source of morale for demoralised troops. A true friend to most Jedi, Ja Himan is an honest and true Jedi with only the best intentions. Brave and bold, it is his task to lead what is left of the Jedi on Kashyyk to an extraction point on the far side of the planet.

Frustrated Jedi Padawan Om Dom Chavi


Om Dom Chavi believes himself to be worthy of Knighthood. However, he believed this on day one of his training. Yoda despairs in his training as his focus on the far future limits his capacity to improve in the present. Never the less, Om Dom Chavi fights bravely when called upon – however can be relied upon to moan almost constantly throughout the process.

Jedi Knight Corin Darklighter


Corin Darklighter is distant Uncle to the famed X-Wing Pilot of Yavin. A capable and solemn Jedi Knight, he is at once quiet and thoughtful and aware of much that lies around him. An observant character he is subject to distraction. Something that has kept him from becoming a fully fledged master. He is prone to self doubt but always comes through when the need is greatest. He is more pacifist than many Jedi Knights, preferring to find a peaceful solution. This proves of great help during the negotiations with local Wookie leaders regarding evacuation.

Jedi Padawan Ruba Knightro


Jedi Knight Ruba Knightro is a passive, romantic figure. Softly spoken but ferocious in battle, his slight frame belies a manic fighter. At times subject to bouts of loss and grief, Ruba has to overcome more in the jungle than his immediate adversaries. However, when he is settled in himself he is the cheeriest and light heartedest of the group, enjoying the sights and sounds and experiences that Kashyyk offers between battles.

Rowrra the Beater. A giant Wookie (even by Wookie standards) Rowrra is made guide to the Jedi through the backwaters of Kashyyk. Responsible for the safety of his group, Rowrra is beligerent and difficult at almost all times but a ferocious warrior and capable tracker and navigator.